Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
