I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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