What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
