if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The uberlube is also flammable
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
