remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
