i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
