turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
