Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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