it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
