I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
