??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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