I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
