remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
