and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
