yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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