I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
