We named our party play list daddy issues
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
