I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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