So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
