I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
