I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Randomize
