Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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