He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
