**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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