Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
