Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
