ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
