everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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