Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
