who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.