my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Found your bra
Hanging in the tree