i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
