Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
Me, myself and I
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.