I don't usually arrange sex via text message
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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