the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
