Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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