i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
