I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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