Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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