You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
