Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
