Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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