Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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