I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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