I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
