My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
