I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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