Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
