Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
