so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
