please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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