Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
