I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
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It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
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Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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