wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
