Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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