This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
