we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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