I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
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I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
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I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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